Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Argentinian, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye"FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Argentinian was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Argentina, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around Argentina.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting Argentina so that nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
A passenger plane on a cross the country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" She nods her head yes. As the man slowly unbuttons his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the "Tickle-Me-Elmo" dolls. It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday and then explained she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up.
The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part, but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. When the boss could control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said to give each doll two test-tickles....."
Did you here about the guy the police found dead inside an Ice Cream Van? He was lying there stone cold dead, covered in cream, strawberry sauce and sprinkles. Police believe that he had topped himself! *****
A rancher in Argentina, way before the existence of Viagra, had a prize Charolais bull that stopped performing. The rancher when to a local veterinarian, who gave him some pills to give to the bull. Results were astonishing: the bull pursued and mounted every receptive cow he could find, and several times a day.
After four months, the bull again stopped breeding. Since the old veterinarian had moved away, the rancher when to a new vet. He tried to describe the pills, but could not remember the brand. "Can you remember anything at all about those pills?", asked the vet. "No," replied the rancher, "but they did taste like almonds...."
As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male- female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.
"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry....."
A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight. The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.
Doctor: Can you read the bottom line?
Doctor: Can you read the center line?
Doctor: Can you read the large top line?
Girl: No Doctor (getting frustrated): Can you even see the chart?
The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his Johnson out of his pants.
Doctor: Can you see this?
Girl: Of course!
Doctor: Well, there's your problem -- you're cock-eyed!
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.
"The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and the 2 gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone,
"What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
After a long pause the man says, "Is this 832-4821?"
An old lady was lying on her death bed and her husband was sitting by her side when the wife turned to her husband and said,
"I have to tell you something. In my underwear drawer is a black box. Look in it and come back to me and tell me what you see. So the husband went home and looked in the box and found 50,000 dollars and 3 eggs. The next day the husband went back to his wife and said he had found 50,000 dollars and 3 eggs, and then he asked what the money and eggs were for.
The wife replied, "Each time we made love and I was disappointed I put 1 egg in the box." The husband smiled because there were so few eggs in the box, but his wife quickly noticed the smile out of the corner of her eye and said,
"Every time I collected 1 dozen eggs I would sell them in the market and put the money in the black box."
It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Wyatt Earp sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Wyatt and said,
"Mr. Earp, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"
Wyatt put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you." The boy stepped back and Mr. Earp said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"
The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve. Wyatt said,
"That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?"
Before Earp could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked.
Wyatt smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you." "What's that?" the boy asked. "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."
Puzzled the young gunslinger asked why he should do that. Earp put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Doctor Holliday gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . "
A young punk rocker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather and rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at, you old fart..... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and screwed a parrot.I thought maybe you were my son."