Nearly One Hundred More Commandments

New Prohibitions for the Nineties

The notion of God having given human beings a set of rules to live by is common to many faiths. The most popular expression of this in western culture is, of course, the "Ten Commandments". It might be argued that these have attained their popularity more through the ministry of Cecil B. DeMille than through any antediluvian rock-climbing performed by Moses. For one thing, the commandments given to Moses as they appear in the book of Exodus number fifteen, not ten. Most of these are open to considerable interpretation.

The world has become a more complex place in the five or so thousand years since the "official" commandments were written -- and then copy-edited a few thousand years later by the early christians. More up to date instructions are clearly called for.

The following is a list of supplemental commandments for the nineties.

1. Thou shalt not compose limericks at a funeral.
2. Thou shalt not teleport within sight of technologically-inferior species.
3. Thou shalt not brandish an Uzi while driving behind an old person.
4. Thou shalt not say "groady".
5. Thou shalt not fast-forward through the commercials.
6. Thou shalt not teach a ferret to yodel.
7. Thou shalt not have misplaced priorities.
8. Thou shalt not align yourself with the dark side of the force.
9. Thou shalt not freeze-frame to look up Jessica Rabbitt's dress.
10. Thou shalt not buy stuff made in sweat shops unless it's really trendy and just to die for.
11. Thou shalt not talk to Elvis at the dinner table.
12. Thou shalt not drive old clothes to Oxfam in the Jag.
13. Thou shalt not max out the plastic.
14. Thou shalt not order anchovies on half the pizza.
15. Thou shalt not practice bagpipes in an avalanche zone.
16. Thou shalt not quote Virgil or Ovid to justify leasing a beamer.
17. Thou shalt not drink pasteurized beer.
18. Thou shalt not allow yourself to become excited while discussing mutual funds.
19. Thou shalt not whistle tunes from Cats while your mother-in-law is having triple-bypass surgery.
20. Thou shalt not claim that the cheque is in the mail.
21. Thou shalt not develop innovating new uses for sheep.
22. Thou shalt not put people on hold unless they appear to be salesmen.
23. Thou shalt not honk off a rottweiller just for a rush.
24. Thou shalt not convince stupid people to try cordless bungee jumping.
25. Thou shalt not exhibit liberal tendencies
26. Thou shalt not ask if it fired six bullets, or only five.
27. Thou shalt not microwave the cat.
28. Thou shalt not substitute Semtex when all the Playdough's gone.
29. Thou shalt not be perky.
30. Thou shalt not forget to clean the filter in the gene pool.
31. Thou shalt not deliberately buy the brands of tuna that include extra dolphin.
32. Thou shalt not surf the net in your underwear.
33. Thou shalt not hum the theme from "Masterpiece Theater" during a monster truck pull.
34. Thou shalt not make house flies atone for their crimes.
35. Thou shalt not forget to rewind.
36. Thou shalt not juggle goldfish in the subway after midnight.
37. Thou shalt not give the Kama Sutra as a "get well soon" gift after a vasectomy.
38. Thou shalt not smoke in a space suit.
39. Thou shalt not derive amusement from crazy glue.
40. Thou shalt not tie-dye your stock broker.
41. Thou shalt not blame it on extraterrestrials.
42. Thou shalt not cut your toenails with a weed-whacker.
43. Thou shalt not describe dead people as "metabolically challenged".
44. Thou shalt not make offerings unto the false gods of perfect hair, increased lung capacity or one percent body fat.
45. Thou shalt not suffer a poodle to live.
46. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's babe unless she's totally stacked.
47. Thou shalt not bio-engineer close friends or family members.
48. Thou shalt not administer an intelligence test to a public-sector employee and a sack of hammers in the same room.
49. Thou shalt not feed red meat to a lawyer.
50. Thou shalt not bob for hand grenades.
51. Thou shalt not search for hidden messages in music played backward.
52. Thou shalt not snort NutraSweet.
53. Thou shalt not attempt to ascertain the tensile strength of cows.
54. Thou shalt not leave the lid half screwed on.
55. Thou shalt not address a sock on your hand as "alfonse".
56. Thou shalt not seek to rise above your station in the food chain.
57. Thou shalt not derive financial gain from road kill.
58. Thou shalt not miss the birth of one of your children to watch The Simpsons.
59. Thou shalt not say "taupe", "platinum", "silver", "charcoal", "brushed aluminum", "pewter", "pearl" or "oyster shell" when you mean "grey".
60. Thou shalt not employ cheese as a means of sexual arousal.
61. Thou shalt not solicit government grants to conduct further research into the effects on polecats of turning them inside-out.
62. Thou shalt not raise anthrax as a house pet.
63. Thou shalt not shoot tourists just because it's tourist season.
64. Thou shalt not order fast food in a heavy Russian accent.
65. Thou shalt not fail to honour thy step-father or thy surrogate mother.
66. Thou shalt not leave voice mail after midnight.
67. Thou shalt not posses graven images of poker-playing dogs.
68. Thou shalt not wear a hat covered in fruit or dangling corks.
69. Thou shalt not choose an apartment because of its proximity to the mall.
70. Thou shalt not consume diet milkshakes in flavours of "haggis", "lemming" or "wild strumpet".
71. Thou shalt not pretend to be able to dance to rap.
72. Thou shalt not buy condoms bearing the Good Housekeeping seal of approval,
73. Thou shalt not stalk the wily groundhog with a Stinger missile.
74. Thou shalt not eat Fritos in a tanning bubble.
75. Thou shalt not wear souvenir Disney World boxer shorts.
76. Thou shalt not try to get even with a video lottery terminal.
77. Thou shalt not colourize.
78. Thou shalt not enter any dungeon guarded by a dragon.
79. Thou shalt not paint neon-green heartbeat stripes on a Humvee.
80. Thou shalt not experiment with sword-swallowing as a cure for persistent hiccups.
81. Thou shalt not own a recreational bug zapper.
82. Thou shalt not give hand-crafted radioisotopes as a house-warming present.
83. Thou shalt not consider yourself to be on a first-name basis with a chain saw.
84. Thou shalt not walk barefoot in packing peanuts.
85. Thou shalt not call 999 to report an unexpected surge in the earthworm population.
86. Thou shalt not snore in 6/8 time.
87. Thou shalt not fix the dishwasher with an eight-pound hammer and a glue gun.
88. Thou shalt not buy a used car from anyone named "Stig."
89. Thou shalt not attempt to predict the outcome of a cockroach race by calculations based on the circumference of the great pyramid of Cheops.
90. Thou shalt not pray to Zeus for things your usual god would laugh at.
91. Thou shalt not permit fuzzy purple mutants to spawn in your fridge.
92. Thou shalt not wear nipple rings that clash with your nose pin.
93. Thou shalt not camp out in line overnight for the opening of a new Tescos.
94. Thou shalt not try to sneak a six-letter carnal reference past the personalized license plate people.
95. Thou shalt not wear any sort of baseball cap that uses batteries.
96. Thou shalt not measure your Visa balance on the Richter scale.
97. Thou shalt not drink a diet Pepsi and eat a Mars bar on the assumption that they'll cancel each other out.